Please excuse Chantel from school today. Due to the unfortunate occurrence that unraveled during yesterday’s field trip, Chantel’s Father, Paul, and I have decided Chantel will be best served by a day (possibly more) of sustained and uninterrupted rest in order to recover and gain her strength to its full capacity. As you may well guess, upon returning home Chantel was terribly vexed and we found her to be very much under the weather last night. Paul and I agreed that if her condition did not improve through the night, and if she awoke in the morning feeling the same awful confusion and cognitive strife, we would keep her from school as I think it could distract the other students from learning and also thwart teachers, as well as various supportive and managerial administrators, from fulfilling their pedagogical obligations to Grover Episcopal Academy.
However, I would like to take this opportunity to state, in writing nonetheless, that Paul and I in no way blame or hold accountable Grover for the, shall we say, mishap. We have no plans of pursuing legal action against the school, although we haven’t spoken fully with our attorney, so I probably shouldn’t make claims at such an early and unanalyzed juncture.
Thus, in all due respect, the sheer coincidence of the mishap lends itself to only an outlier of the greatest and most outlandish chance ever perpetuated on a young innocent soul such as one finds in our celestial-minded Chantel. And it is not our family’s intention in the least that all future trips to Saint Sebastian University Hospital be canceled. Though we do greatly appreciate said trips being postponed for the next month until the proper bureaucratic precautionary steps can be taken to ensure that another blessed youngster, such as our dear Chantel, does not undergo what she has undergone (my fear being that a child of lesser mental resolve and fortitude would crumple under the mental duress). Again, I find no fault with Grover and hope that Chantel’s classmates will keep her in their thoughts and prayers despite her necessary absence during this extended period of bereavement. And again, we ourselves are quite surprised to learn of the happenings that transpired despite knowing that Paul’s mother was quite a vocal supporter of organ donation. We, however, were unaware of the extent and degree to which she donated her earthly, material remains to the local medical educational institutions despite her ardent philanrophopic activities, activities which should have alerted our family to exercise voracious caution in monitoring Chantel’s activities. Certainly you can image our surprise as well, one which, I doubt, compares to poor little Chantel being forced to witnessed her very own Grandma Fluff displayed, frozen, fully nude and sprawled out on the metal table as a partially dissected and haphazardly re-sewn cadaver used (and re-used) by medical students in their human antimony course while surrounded by the twenty-some-odd members of her fourth grade Grover class all peering wide-eyed directly at pious Chantel’s beloved and recently deceased Grandma Fluff.
You see, even though Grandma Fluff’s face was, as is protocol, respectfully covered to maintain her anonymity and dignity, these precautionary strictures did not obfuscate or siege Grandma Fluff’s identity from Chantel because Grandma Fluff has an extremely memorable birthmark resembling the Strait of Flagella on the outside of her left flank. The Flagella-shaped birthmark was forever etched in young Chantel’s memory while changing, showering and primping alongside Grandma Fluff in the Club’s powederroom.
I hope you’ll understand and extend our regards to those who were involved in reviving Chantel and transporting her to and from the emergency room—the funeral just a few days ago and now this, quite a week. Also, I would only ask that phone calls be discouraged due to their overly intrusive and exhausting nature, an activity Chantel is in no state to participate in and such calls prevent me from fully attending on her needs. Oh yes, could you please, as is customary in these circumstances, have Chantel’s class assignments collected and sent home with Roger, who will then deliver them to our home as he has graciously done before. I don’t usually like young gentlemen stopping by the house in an unannounced and ad hoc manner, but due to Roger’s close proximity to our home and terribly asexual disposition it should work just fine. Thanks again.
Nota Bena: I realize this is somewhat, how shall I put this, unorthodox for a simple note to school but as you have likely noticed I have sent this letter via Proof of Delivery, which requires your signature to confirm that you have received the note. Please do not be alarmed, as I stated previously, litigation is highly unlikely and an out of court settlement is, at this point, given that we haven’t spoken with Tom, also improbable, though still more tenable than litigation, supra, which isn’t being considered.
Nota Bena: I realize this is somewhat, how shall I put this, unorthodox for a simple note to school but as you have likely noticed I have sent this letter via Proof of Delivery, which requires your signature to confirm that you have received the note. Please do not be alarmed, as I stated previously, litigation is highly unlikely and an out of court settlement is, at this point, given that we haven’t spoken with Tom, also improbable, though still more tenable than litigation, supra, which isn’t being considered.
